Hug the darkness like a long lost friend

I can't believe I got my hopes up. I can't remember the last time I got so excited. I thought I had nailed all the preliminary rigmarole. I tried my best and for once I thought my best was spot on. Dutifully, I waited. I stood by the phone eagerly waiting those words that should have chimed over the electronic waves trapped in copper wire and fiber-optic cabling, those words that would have been sweeter than devils food to a fat bastard white kid in the suburbs. those simple four words arranged in just the right manner. "When can you start". I waited, and waited, but they never came. I couldn't sleep. I was almost on pin and needles, a sensation so unfamiliar to me. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what it was. I suffered through it. I couldn't sleep. I was a mess. I was late. I was bamboozled, conned, duped, taken. This could have been my way out, my ladder from the ditch I dug. This could have been the answer. Instead it was the pause, the ellipsis.

Finally the cell chimed and it was them. Those who might have been my train from brokenville, those who could have lifted me, allowed me to do what I've been dreaming about for so many years. Those who might have helped me become independent and respectable. All I needed to hear were those aforementioned words, those four syllables encased in a single breath. That's now how it happened though. The reality was much less uplifting. I heard her say "I'm sorry but..." and my ears went numb, my eyes failed to see, my skin lost all sense of tingle. I had been let down. My expectation had been lost. I had been dropped. I was not accepted. It had been forever since I've experienced this and for good reason. This was not a pleasant experience. I was not having fun. Worst of all it wasn't an external force that had thrust me into such a dark and damp place -it was all my doing. I can't blame the messenger, it wasn't their fault I allowed myself to get excited, it was mine.

I then remembered why it was this sensation felt new. I had felt it once before. I had been in this place once in my past. This was not new to me. I enjoyed it just as much then as I am now. Then as well as now I had sworn against it. If I make a choice to not allow my hopes to leap and bound beyond my reach, if I give myself purchase to soar with hope and pride then I will inevitably crash like I just have. However, if I choose to dwell close to the shadows, if I stay close to the dark and brooding elements of life then I can never fall. Stay away from the clouds because you might fall. That might be the safest course of action. Say goodbye to the sun, sky, and clouds. Mark the light as your enemy and the shadow an ally.